so much has been happening. its getting tougher and tougher to keep up with the emotional load that comes with being a teenager, im finding myself more and more confused at things i thought i was once in control of, i find myself experiencing "split personality" when im an entirely different person at different times, i wouldnt say a hypocrite, my values remain the same, i know what i must and must not do, but im just a DIFFERENT person. different in personality, but my character remains the same.
yet at the same time i know my character is degrading, things are moving at such a speed i find myself lacking the time to sit down and re-evaluate everything that has been going on, and what are my piorities in life.i feel like i've been wasting my day. just a couple of days ago when i was walking home, i just started wondering to myself "i wanna go out tml" and i looked thru my phone contacts and i started thinking about people i could ask and i came up with no names. lol i know i have 2 or 3 true friends in my life. but other than that, i almost have no "close friends". lol its quite sad actually.
jasmine from my class said im a floater, and its so true eh, i so totally agree with it. and she asked me why, if it was like past experience and stuff, and that actually hit a raw nerve, i dunno if it really is because of past experience or what not, but i never did really think about it that way, i always thought i was just trying to make more friends and have fun, after all. but the past experience thing actually got me thinking. maybe its true. the phrase "dont put all ur eggs in one basket" just became extreme.
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Today was ACS 123rd founders day, went to school in the morning, had service , prize presentation all that nonsense, ended quite early, right after we unveiled the SMILEY! :D "we" being the student council, guests of honour, OGLS and student leaders. it was quite cool being with the OGLS again. still will never forget orientation. we said hi for probably the 6th or 7th time since last week. i was actually serious about it, but after what i heard, im still serious about it, im seriously considering giving up. i wldnt say "giving up", i think thats an inappropriate phrase, but i doubt anything required this amount of effort if it were really mutual, im so tired im almost burnt out. i really dont understand what went on, i just hope that one day u'll tell me everything, everything that went on in ur mind, maybe it'll be too late, but better late than never.
i wanna slow down already, im feeling very tired, i just wanna stay at home away from crowds, away from you, just to think about whats been going on, just to take a break and get my life back on track. i know you'll probably never read any of this, lol, all the better then.
if friday the 13th TRAUMATISED you, i would have appreciated it if you told me. straight in the face.
