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Paradigm shift.

Why am i so full of pride? Why am i so full of apathy? I know what im feeling is not right, but in order to change it, i need to know why i am feeling this way in the first place. But i don't know. Not many things i know these days.

I thought i had put a lid on it. But everytime you talk to me, the lid blows open. I know everything you do is predicated on the premise that i am your close friend, but a part of me wants you to stop talking if thats all it is.

Many things to think about.

Today was a pretty decent day, now that im sitting at home at the end of the day, im alittle satisfied. lol.

Not posting pictures cos i dont feel like. Went for lunch with zhao and diana in the morning at crystaljade lamianxiaolongbao in holland. great meeting up with them again.

went to play soccer at telok blangah with fairfield people.just last week, i truly thought that soccer was no longer a part of my life anymore, but jerome really reminded me. soccer will never not be a part of me. im really soccer crazy now, and i am really really hungry to improve. when i decided to quit soccer at the start of last year, i never believed i would feel this way again. Passion.I just wanna compete and fight again.

Alex! i know you're reading this, you're a great friend, seriously, i know we always make fun of you and tease you, but its all in the name of a good laugh and enjoyable fellowship! You are a wonderful friend, though we often do not treat you that way! :D

then yam bert daryl and i went to watch I LOVE BETH COOPER. its the funniest show i've watched in a super super long time. i laughed until i had a headache. lol go watch. but please, go only if u can get tickets for 7 bucks and lower. anything above that is not worth it.

How is reflecting emo? i don't think its emo. its reflective.

What is happening to me? This is not who I am. This is a prayer, Lord. Change me.

This video is hilarious! Tim Hawkins is cool man. more people should be like him. why cant Christianity involve humour? no where in the bible does it say a Christian shld be all solemn and moody forever. Our God is a funny God.

Check THIS out. omg man. this video redefines the word "cheesy".

just wasted 2 hours of my life watching the stupidest, most meaningless, ridiculously immature movie that has ever been produced. The worst part is, after i finished watching it. i dont understand why i started.

Officially the worst photos ever posted.

This post consists of the worst photos ever posted by me. Almost every single photo is blurred because people simply do not know how to steady their hands. grr. implicit in this statement is the assumption that the photos which are horrible were not taken by me. okay maybe 1 or 2. Met jasmine putu for lunch as ASTONS in the Cathay. must admit, first time ever been there. yeah go ahead laugh at me.but anw the food was not bad, but ridiculously filling i must say. the above dish was shared by jasmine and putu, i was so anxious to eat i forgot to take picture of my dish!

Joy came in the middle of our meal to join us and we went to watch THE PROPOSAL together. it was quite cool actually. it was a funny movie. worth watching! Something about the show really struck me. If you watch the show, i'm pretty sure you'll agree with me that if you were in the guy's shoes you would NEVER have imagined ending up falling in love with your bossy, push around, insensitive boss. (these words are all euphemisms, you can substitute them with the singaporean language, i.e. mixed dialects,languages, all-in-one words) But the fact is that they really ended up falling in love with each other. i know its really hollywoodish, these kinda love themes, the unexpected than fall in love nonsense. but it really got me thinking, why is it not possible it happened to us in real life? Like now we REALLY REALLY are adamant that we will never end up with that girl across the room. But really, other than God, who's to say?

After Putu and Jasmine went off, joy and i walked around plaza sing and got vanessa chocs for her senior recital, then made our way to holland to meet the other jammers for dinner!
Horrible photo. Taken by a passerby. seriously, why cant people STEADY their hands. but its my fault partially, i forgot HOW to turn on the shake thingy. not forgot to. forgot HOW to. LOL. :)
NUS High for Vanessa's Senior recital! :D

She plays the flute and piano. she's really good. i mean duh rite? thats WHY she has the senior recital isnt it.

this is the book outside the hall where you write all the well wishes and stuff. vanessa asked liesel to help her make the book. its REALLY well done. stuff sewed on and all that. liesel is really an Art genius.

JAM.

And then we went home, on the walk to the bus stop, we were really high and jumping around talking nonsense. really reminded us of Gang 1311 in the Church Retreat cos it was like the same group of people save for 1 or 2. Like it was fun and all. But there were many more things on my mind. Little pics of our high times because we used charisse's camera. i was too lazy to use mine. shld be up on facebook. maybe then i'll post one or two.

ONLY CONTINUE READING IF YOU'RE EMO/IN A REFLECTIVE MOOD.

On the bus home i was thinking to myself. I am really a creature so full of flaws that when im alone, i just CANNOT tell myself with conviction that i have strengths, that i am good for SOMETHING. Yes, seriously. when i'm with my friends, i can joke about all my strengths, how good i am, how confident i am, how much better i am compared to masses of people. But when you're alone and in the quiet. That is who you truly are, and truly, i am just a flawed being, undeserving of the Grace of God so abundantly poured on us by our Lord.

Just today alone. i was counting the number of incidents i wish i could edit vis-a-vis time travel and just remove it or correct the way i behaved. i just lost count. i really just lost count. the number of times i behaved or spoke or thought in a disgraceful manner. Its these reflections at the end of my days that really leave me speechless, that really remind me that the number of things i have to boast about is as numerous as the number of Planet Mars there are. 1. That i'm a follower of Christ.

I was just reflecting and i realised everytime i feel full of confidence and im brimming with belief in myself, i speak fast and confidently. i start to speak faster than i think. and when i dont think, i become insensitive, i start behaving in an ungodly manner, in a disgraceful manner. its really amazing how i can make the same mistakes over and over again when they are just so ridiculously close to me. the number of times i say something and i just utterly regret it the NEXT second. on the bus..

As i was thinking about all these, i was just really reminded of Simon Peter in the bible, when he first started following God, he was SO FULL of vigour and conviction, he would speak so confidently. he was the only one who answered correctly when Jesus Christ asked who he was. The one true living messiah he said. How powerful. How much faith. Of the 12 disciples he was the ONLY one who dared to ask Jesus to call him forth onto the seawaters and he actually walked on water. how amazing. It really reminded me of the passion i felt in my heart when i first became a christian in sec 3. God was really all my life desired. I really did not CARE about anything esle, and each morning i woke up with a fire burning fiercely. i fire i thought would never burn out. but one that is fading now.

how many times Peter faulted. how many times. he lost faith when his eyes moved from the Lord to the storm and he started sinking. He was always full of pride. the unwritten unofficial "leader" of the twelve disciples. Always the first to speak, more often than not, flawed words came forth because of the lack of thoughts that accompanied his words. When Jesus was crucified. That was the major incident. THREE TIMES Peter rejected the Lord. saying he was never his disciple, saying he never knew Jesus Christ. how disgraceful and shameful is that? everytime i read that portion of the bible i snigger because i think i will never do what he did. Do you know how ridiculous that thought is?

Today itself, i rejected Jesus Christ more than 20 times. yes i can even LIST the incidents. and it really just drags my heart down. But we have the Grace of God. When Jesus died for us, our sins would no longer EVER count again us. I used to admire Paul in the Bible for how steadfast he was. He ALMOST seemed perfect after he converted from Saul to Paul. He ALMOST seemed like Jesus. and i really wanted to be like him, cos Jesus is perfect but at least Paul is human. But now, more and more i see how admirable Peter is. After he realised that the prophesy that he would reject Jesus Christ 3 times came true. His passion for Christ shined brighter than ever before. He died, crucified, hung on the cross UPSIDE DOWN because he said he was not worthy to die the same way the Lord died. HOW SICK IS THAT. everytime i think of that my hair stands. goosebumps. my jaws drop. how can someone have passion for Christ as ridiculously immense as that? But i know if i keep my eyes on the Lord, and i move my eyes back everytime i am shaken, if i keep doing this till the end of time, one day, i will be like Peter.

I know right now that the Lord is using me mightily in His Kingdom. but with even greater vigour and conviction, i know that The Lord will use me for even GREATER purposes in the future. after i have matured and developed. after i have grown in the Lord like Peter did over the course of his life. How wonderful is that thought. Amen.

Praise His Holy name!

I have a confession to make. I used to really think jerome was abit gay when i found out he watched sermons in his room. i mean seriously man, who doesnt think that way, i have a hard time staying awake during sunday sermons already, and this guy gets dvds of sermons to listen to? Like i'm passionate about my Christian Walk and i really want to grow closer to the Lord, but SERMONS at home??? Dude thats just gay.

these thoughts hovered around my mind all the way till yesterday afternoon when i went to his house and i watched an excerpt of one of the sermons he was listening to. crap. if thats the definition of gay, i wanna be gay EVERYDAY EVERYHOUR EVERYMINUTE and EVERYSECOND! SERIOUSLY is there ANYTHING in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD more fulfiling than recieving THE WORD OF GOD?!!!?! i say no. not a single thing. nothing comes REMOTELY close. not botak jones, not soccer, not baskeball, not spaghetti, NOT EVEN GIRLS.(Thats a hard pill to swallow for most guys, me included no joke, im not REALLY gay) but its TRUE. The Word of God is LIFEEE. Christianity is not a religion. ITS LIFE. Hallelujah.

if you wanna know whats it we've been listening to, ask jerome and me. seriously. i can assure you it will bless your heart. The Lord is willing to speak. Are you willing to listen? Not hear. Listen.

The past one week, so many things have happened to have blinded me with pride and anger. i will not pretend i have not struggled, it has been hell. and my walk with the Lord has suffered. After i lose my temper, after profanities flood my mind and lips, after pride consumes my heart, it just seems SO hard to go back to the Lord. How is it possible for me to be close to him in this state? i cant do my quiet time. im tired. He wont accept me back. im unworthy. im unclean.

NO!

That is not what i am. what i am is DELUSIONAL. 2000 years ago, when Jesus Christ died, i was made clean NO MATTER WHAT I DO. can u imagine if what i do is able to overcome the gift of forgiveness and righteousness given by our Lord Jesus Christ? i mean seriously, if there's a god like that, thats not worth following and worshipping man. a WEAK god. BUT. OUR GOD IS MIGHTY AND HIS POWER IS ETERNAL AND EVERLASTING. Hallelujah. Im really glad that i've been blessed so greatly by The Lord through the sermons Jerome lent me. This is how you differentiate a brother from a friend. Praise the Lord.

Starting to get Started.

Today i went to play bball with zach yam bert and some AC friends, lol suffice to say, im not too good after not playing for 8 months. Then it rained elephants and alexyans. LOL kidding la alex. Love you. :D but it really rained ridiculously heavily, and we were just starting to get started. haha thats a cute phrase. waited ridiculously long before walking home. okay this is highly redundant. fast forward. dildhasdjlashdjashdjkdhajkdas. (thats the sound made when you fast forward.)

Met jerome,alden,alex,daryl,hannkenn,leroy for sakae buffet to "celebrate" alden's birthday even though it is light years away. i hadnt laughed so heartily and not feel that it was fake in a REALLY REALLY long time. damn, i love this group man. alden, alex and all. great guys. real and sincere. cheers honeys. no pictures taken cos i figured it wld be REALLY gay if i take pictures at an all guys outing. like seriously.

after the buffet, leroy and hannkenn left and the rest of us went to jerome's house to play winning eleven, okay anymore details would simply intensify the boring-ness of this post. thats it for the updates honeys.

Nothing can compare to the fullness experienced when the Word Of God enters your heart. Not even the girl that drives you crazy without even trying. Looks like i've finally found the solution. How ironic that it was always right in front of me. Starting to get Started.

Have you heard of this?

Omg i was listening to this dvd that Jerome lent me, its a sermon by Pastor Joseph Prince of New Creation Church, and i heard something REALLY SICK (slang for awesome in my world). I have never heard it before.

When David fought with Goliath, im presuming half the world knows this story and less than half the world is reading my blog so you ALL know this story, he decapitated Goliath after the victory, in other words he cut off his head. yeah i know, rather morbid, but thats not the point. All these events took place at the Valley of Elah which is WAY WAY outside Jerusalem.

NOW, hear this, David took Goliath's head away(how messed up is that? you kill a person, cut off his head THEN take it away. omg. no, seriously i mean it, how messed up is that.) Took away the head to WHERE? David buried it JUST outside Jerusalem. That spot came to be known as the PLACE OF THE SKULL, where it was prophesized that a GREATER son of David would come and on that HILL he'll be crucified, thus conquering a GREATER Goliath, now know as SIN, for all of us. That spot was where Jesus Christ hung on the Cross.

AMAZING stuff. HALLELUJAH!

Do you have an identity?

just went out with jerome to eat lunch and play some pool. im telling you, there is something about pool, 2 man pool, not 10 people "lets all take turns to shoot a ball once an hour" kind of pool, which is extremely calming. i mean seriously.

had a long talk with jerome, its just fantastic to release everything that its building up inside your heart, things that you know you shouldnt be saying, but things you know are real. things you know if you were to say it to any other person, u'd surely be judged but to your closest friends, they'll just fully understand what the hell you are going through.

on the way home i was just thinking. as Christians we always say we live for the audience of One, the Lord, that we are not supposed to care about what other people say but we live and worship freely with full knowledge that it is only God we are answerable to. but lets be realistic, how easy is that? We live in a world full of people, surrounded by people everyday, to live with disregard to the people around is just utterly ridiculous. imagine if you go around shouting and screaming everyday how great God is. what are the odds of you being arrested and thrown into jail for public disturbances?

so what are we supposed to do? we need to balance right? Right. thats what everyone does. thats why babies who have a mind of their own become idiots who walk blindly like idiots to work everyday from the time they sell their soul to the world around the time they become an adult. i've been thinking, many people say the period of 13-20 is the make or break period for a person. what kind of person he grows up to become, how influential he becomes. this period REALLY is the toughest emotionally and mentally for people. but why? isnt it because people in this age group have a mind and heart of their own? but the bloody world is telling them to sell it so they can fit in. earn some money and die without giving a damn what happens to it.

REAL growing up doesnt mean become a solemn old fogey. it means KNOWING who you are and never changing. God doesnt want you to mature by smiling less.

JEREMIAH 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you Hope and a future.

i do believe that future doesnt include losing your personality and soul. Stick true to yourself and never waver. I know myself and i dont intend to let that me change. Even if shit does come with it. If the Lord inspires you and out of the overflow of your heart, you CANT HELP but go to the streets to scream and shout how Great the Lord is. Dont hold back. if you get arrested so be it. at least you know you have a soul of your own.

Tiny disclaimer: If your heart is not centred on God/Goodness if your a non-believer. and you intend to destroy the world because ur heart tells you so. this post does not apply to you. its best you lose your soul and walk around blindly like most of the adults in this world do. cheers.

sayonara

Met daryl yam and bert and went to the airport for dinner. we were going to see yuetong off for her studies in the US. we were playing smack it on yam's itouch on the mrt trip, it seems ridiculously short when ur engrossed in something.i know this is gay, but who says only girls take photos in toilets! rights equality man.
This is so funny, when we saw it from a distance we were like OMG we're gonna make the shop bankrupt, but it turns out its buy 4 get 1 free. LOL. dine for free. nice try.

what the heck is this doing in the airport? IN the airport. to attract foreign kids???
sanitiser in the LIFT. you have GOT to be kidding me.

when we saw the weighing machine we were REALLY high, so we were like what is this doing in the airport! i was thinking, maybe like if the person is too heavy, dont allow him to go on the plane. it turns out its to weigh the luggages. haha.

That hand belongs to kinshun. i.e. the reading is kinshun's weight. in Kilos.

i've seen some ridiculous ceiling designs in my lifetime. this ranks right up there.

lol i know Singapore's weather can get quite unbearable at times, but a fan this big is just ridiculous.

you see that semi circle thingy? its for jaden to stand on while pastor eric pushes ethan in the thingy.how cool is that.

Ethan ftw!

LATEST STOMP NEWS: two punks playing taptap in train like its their home.

Daryl pretending to sleep on a stranger "Bertrand". wanted to put this on STOMP as well.

we wanted to put this on STOMP and comment "Singaporean puts phone on seat to chop for friend"

Bye Yuetong! enjoy newyork!
i hate my home. if this is the way its going to be everyday, i rather spend my nights of the fucking streets.fucking blind.

2nd time you do the same thing, do you really believe in all that crap you talk about? damn, im trying but i just cant see your point of view. and we're supposed to learn from you. if you ideas of growing older means becoming more serious, solemn and a lifeless boring human being, then im sorry to disappoint cos im not going down that path. my ideas of growing up include solidifying your personality and not being wavered by this damn world. doesnt seem to apply to you.

i'm switching off. cos if i get affected by all this shit, i will only spiral further and further down. goodnight.

am i supposed to smile?

Each day i see you, i respect you less. you do what you have to do because of the responsibilities on your shoulders. but other than that, there's nothing you do that begets respect. i know im not supposed to feel this way. but im a human too. not just a Christian.

Blinded by anger, draped in pride
The mind says yes but the heart says no
help me Lord.

saturday fever.

Went to have lunch with yam at anchorpoint. This chawanmushi, from anchorpoint food court, is the worst i have ever eaten in my life, its just 1/5 steamed eggs and water.

look at the patterns above. yam said the wind blew it that way, then he said maybe people raked it that way. impossible. i say. crop circles.

Waiting before splash. yam and i stoning, joy and vanessa teaching chemistry. i wonder why the impression is that girls are more studious. i cant tell!

favourite drink now ftw
Today is YWAV seeker service! its like a fun service so non-believers can just come and have fun and stuff, today's one was wii gaming so there were like 4 sets all over the sanctuary and everybody was running around playing everything wii related from beijing olympics to rock band!
you say i have an obsessive compulsion to have the last say. wtf? have you spoken to yourself? You are the BEST role model for what is NOT meant to be.best ever.

i cant even look on the bright side anymore.cos theres no bright side to your obsessively big head.

jasmine joy daryl and i one team. lol yeah we super good sia. i was the drummer, i was like playing easy and i got 72%, the other 3 were doing medium or hard difficulty and all 3 were 96% and above. yup! im not bad. :D

i know im not perfect and i have pride in my heart but at least i know wtf my weaknesses are. and i fking put in effort to correct them.

wtf do you do?

my heart was right. its because i TURNED up that i know my heart was right. im sorry, i just cant agree with you this time. as disappointed as you might be, i just know that this time, we were not in the wrong.

The above behaviour is what you call the "i am leaving the country tml for studies so im high and drunk down" syndrome.

maybe because you heard the door bang so you thought it was us making the noise. i dont know about that, but wth did you hear talking? sure as hell wasnt me.

fine i was making noise when i walked in, but thats cos i thought it hadnt started yet. you're disappointed? so are we supposed to say sorry? cos im not. im sorry.

After the seeker service, went to IMM long beach restaurant for my mum's bday dinner!

cute eh. my bro did it.

This picture below is HILARIOUS, its a family restaurant, look at the packaging. weird huh.

Not in the mood to blog actually. the rest of the pictures, of many random people in ywav, are on facebook. i have not feel this way in a long long time. and i thought i was beginning to get my temper under control. this is so much worse, its just that im not showing it on the outside. goodnight.

Lord i have never needed as much help with my heart as i do now. i really really cant do it anymore. help me.